My friends know about my own personal struggles with myself. And yet, they all believe in me.
I guess I'm going to do this next post keeping my friends in mind.
Nearly 2 months ago I almost died. It was by my own inability to recognize how truly strong I am, and how much stronger I can become. If you were to meet me in real life, you'd really see that I am not much different from how I write on my blogs. I think it's paramount that I make myself as real to people as I can, and yet I always become filled with self doubt when I think about putting all of me out there for people to really discover the person I am, but the person I constantly aspire to become.
The single longest struggle I've had in my life has been with me since I was 13 years old. It's a self destructive coping mechanism but the key words in that statement are "coping mechanism" be it good or bad, it's how I've managed to get through life. Has it left it's toll on my body - absolutely. Yes. And that's where people often wonder what is the "price" for being a self injurer?
The physical price of being a self injurer, there are quite a few really. For me, my hands don't quite work with the same level of reaction time as they should, due to tissue damage to the nerves, and muscle. Some mornings I wake up with my finger tips blue because I can't get the blood to flow into my hands quite properly. And with the nerve damage I can't write by hand for too long, or use my hands to carry heavy weights for too long without having to spend time massaging my hands. I have to flex my hands at times, and rub my forearms to help ease the discomfort that I'm feeling. No matter how much you try to ignore the scars they will always be visible to you, but they seem to become more visible when you get out of a really hot shower or getting out of cold water. Then there are the ever constant reminders of the past because of all the scars from going too deep, or not properly taking care of them. Those are just the few things I deal with, and I'm sure that others deal with this, but may in fact deal with more.
Then, on top of the physical price of being a self injurer, there are the psychological costs. There really ever isn't a moment that I think about wanting to go back and change everything. To stop myself from my first time. To have the courage to have said something earlier on in my life. To have asked for help all those years ago. As you can tell I spend time dealing with guilt, and regret because of what I did to myself but in the process I can't help but think of all the times I lied to people about where I got this cut from or that cut from. There was a time when I wanted to have a good day I'd have to force myself to put on long sleeves the moment I woke up. If I could get my long sleeves on in the dark then that meant the difference in having a good day or a bad day. Some days I have no self esteem because I wear my past, and you often wonder why you're [insert any name you want here]. My self worth is drastically reduced but, more and more it's starting to return to me. I would question all the time whether I'm equally worth any other man or if I am somehow something lower, something stuck between man and beast. You're self image is completely shattered, absolutely splintered between what you feel within yourself, and what you see on your body. If you thought you were self conscious before, unfortunately you're going to learn a whole new level of being self conscious. But, there are going to be days when you just say "what the hell!" and decide to wear short sleeves, you decide that you're not going to hide any longer. You do have those days. I promise.
Finally, I'll share two interesting insights that I've learned over the years. These days when I go to the hospital for any real legitimate purpose the first thing that tends to happen is that the nurses will quickly pass the information around that there is a "severe" self injurer at [insert bed number here]. I've overheard them talking about how sad it is to see someone who has done what they have to themselves. But then that novelty wears off relatively fast. If you need some kind of treatment lets say from a wound of some sort, I never believed the rumours until it actually happened to me. The nurses know "better" then you do about your body, and they will be a little more heavy handed or rough with giving you treatment. It's happened to me a few times now, and I think it's because they are trying to impart some kind of lesson. Yet, the reality is that by how they treat people who are self injurers it deters those of us from wanting to get "professional" help. *** If you do an online search for "self injurers Bill Of Rights" there is a proposed Bill Of Rights that I believe should be made official because those who have a history with self injury we know that we are treated differently, we are treated in some instances poorly, and for what? Because we're human? Because we're trying to live? Because we use physical pain as a means of masking the internal pain that we are feeling. ***
One other incident happened years ago, and I do mean years. I was feeling brave. I was feeling confident. And I decided that I'd roll up my sleeves to just relax, and enjoy the cool air conditioned air in the mall. I went into a bookstore, and was looking through the huge almost overwhelming mass of books. A woman with her young daughter came into the same isle I was in, but she was looking at the books opposite of me. Her daughter innocently asked her mother what was wrong with my arms. And I turned to look, and so did the girl's mother. The moment that she saw my arms she tried to conceal what she was feeling, or how she was reacting because she took her daughter by the hand, and left the isle I was in. It was then that I started to realize that people fear what they don't really understand, and what's more if they are afraid it's usually followed with disbelief or disgust. Often it really comes down to the question they want to ask, but don't want to really insult you is - how? How can you do that to yourself?
I think though the biggest thing that I need to share with everyone is as much as it's a cliche there really is hope. Things can change, things can change slowly or things can change fast. It comes down to if you have the ability to change, and we all have the capacity to change our lives. Believe it, and you will receive it. Don't think you can - know you can. And if at any time you find that you don't have someone to talk or someone that will listen by all means contact me.
One last thing I want to share with everyone - self injurers do not self injure with the intent to die but, it's that we simply don't know how to live.
I am,
NightGrooves
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